


I've Got You

by profound-boning (farawaystardust)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst with a Happy Ending, Concerned Castiel, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Sam Winchester at Stanford, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 11:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8284057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farawaystardust/pseuds/profound-boning
Summary: So, yes, Dean enrolled at KU as a twenty-three-year-old freshman and struggled through one and a half brutal semesters of general education requirements before calling it quits. Without telling Sam or Cas.

  …maybe he’s not dealing with it very well.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ackles_likes_snackles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackles_likes_snackles/gifts).



> I am so sad I didn’t get this posted in time for your birthday but Naomi I appreciate you more than I can say and I hope this year is lovely, just like you! You deserve sunshine and the strength to endure the dark days. LOVE YOU. [x](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OI5ok4uGMBQ)
> 
> rated T for cursing, mentions of self-harm and bad coping mechanisms, and low self-esteem issues

Everything was fine until he got that text from Cas.

Yeah, he’d dropped out of college. Big deal. Dean Winchester is an adult and he made a tough call and he’s sticking with it.

It’s not like he had a dorm room to empty out since Dean has been living in the house their parents left him and Sam since they died. So it’s not like he had had a roommate or tons of friends or commitments to any clubs.

In fact, Dean hasn’t lived with anyone since Sammy moved out to California last August. The kid had been adamant that if he was going to college, Dean should go, too. They'd argued about it for weeks before Dean caved in.

So what if he hadn’t told Sammy about dropping out? He’s just avoided talking about it by making himself scarce during the hours he would have been in class and working as much as he can.

It’s not like it was a big deal or anything. He just wanted to make sure Sammy finished out his freshman year at Stanford with no distractions.

He was dealing with it.

But then Cas had to go and be all thoughtful.

Dean and Castiel have been best friends since high school brought them together in Mrs. Moseley’s English class. Cas—or actually his father, Chuck Shurley—is the reason the Winchesters got to stay together after their parents died, promising to look out for the brothers for a few months until Dean turned eighteen and could be Sam’s legal guardian.

When they graduated high school, Cas left for KSU right away, while Dean stayed in Lawrence to work and save money. Thankfully, it hadn’t strained their friendship at all and the two were as close as ever.

Even after Cas graduated again and moved back to Lawrence to open his photography business downtown.

Even after he joined Sam’s 'Dean Should Go To College' cheerleading squad.

So, yes, Dean enrolled at KU as a twenty-three-year-old freshman and struggled through one and a half brutal semesters of general education requirements before calling it quits. Without telling Sam or Cas.

And now he spends his days under as many blankets as he could find, with plenty of liquor and Netflix. He drags himself out for work when he has to and drags himself right back under as soon as he can. And maybe he lingers in the bathroom with his razor in hand a little bit longer than he should.

All right, maybe he’s not dealing with it very well.

But damn it if he’s going to burden Cas or Sam with this right now.

So, of course, that plan gets shot to hell upon receiving a simple text message from Cas.

_Hello, Dean. How is studying for finals? :/ It feels like hell, I know, but it’s worth it in the long run. Trust me. :) If you need food or a break or whatever you know how to reach me. Remember: you are smart and wonderful and capable. Don’t give up! :D_

It’s all he can do not to burst into tears upon reading such supportive and kind words from his best friend.

Dean paces in his bedroom. What a fucking disappointment he is.

Barely graduated from high school. Lying to the only family he has left. Half-assing his tasks at work. Couldn’t handle college. Living alone. Dropped out of college.

Who does Cas even think he’s talking about anyway? Dean isn’t wonderful at all.

His eyes sting white hot as he chokes on the emotional onslaught.

Since he left the administration office after finalizing his departure from the school, he’s just felt numb. This overwhelming, aching sadness inside him right now is like a tornado sweeping him away.

What else can he do but pick up the half-full bottle next to his bed, swallow a few mouthfuls, curl up in his smelly bedclothes, and cry himself to sleep.

A light tapping noise accompanies his lengthy return to consciousness. Someone is knocking gently on his bedroom door.

“Dean? Please, Dean, are you in there?”

“Cas?”

“Oh, thank goodness.” Cas sounds noticeably relieved. “Can I come in?”

“Um…” He must hesitate too long because Cas pokes his head around the door and takes a few careful steps inside.

“You, uh, you didn’t respond to my text after reading it,” Cas says quietly, “and Sam hasn’t heard from you all day. And you weren’t at the garage or the diner and—. Dean, are you okay?”

It sounds less like a question and more like 'tell me what’s wrong because I know that something’s wrong' and Cas is just as stubborn as he is.

“Just a nap, Cas,” Dean says, and he stretches his arms like he actually got a decent rest. “Thanks for the message though, it was real sweet. I’m pretty sure I’ve got that frozen pizza you like in the—”

“Dean.” Cas takes another few steps towards where Dean was half-heartedly moving to get out of bed. Oh, God, his room is literally disgusting. Why is Cas even in here? “Please talk to me.”

“Ain’t nothing to talk about, Cas.” Dean stands up and tries to move past his friend, who’s still wearing his stupid tan trenchcoat for some reason even though it’s early May.

Cas stops him with a hand on his shoulder and their eyes meet. The tension builds and builds and builds before Dean finally snaps.

“I’m not what you think I am, Cas. I’m not fucking wonderful or smart and whatever else.”

“I don’t understand,” Cas replies gently. Dean shrugs off his hand.

“Your text, Cas. You wanted an answer and there it is. Don’t—. I’m not—. Whatever.” He makes to leave the room again and this time Cas lets him before he follows Dean out into the kitchen.

“It’s all right to feel negative at times Dean, that’s perfectly normal.” Dean scoffs. “But that’s what Sam and I are here for. We can help.”

“No, actually, you can’t.” Dean’s hands rest on his countertop, his weight shifting forward and head hanging low. “I fucked up, Cas.” He says it almost too quietly to hear. Cas tentatively reaches out to rub one hand soothingly along Dean’s shoulder blade.

“What do you mean?”

“I just sit in that bed all day man. I can’t fucking—. I barely work. I’m always drinking or sleeping. But sometimes I’m too antsy or anxious or whatever to sleep, so I wake up fuckin’ tired. And I—. Fuck, Cas.” He turns away again and runs one hand over his mouth.

“Dean?”

“I dropped out! I—I quit. I dropped out of KU. There, I said it.” But the weight on his chest doesn’t go away. If anything it constricts tighter around his ribs. It’s getting harder to breathe normally.

“Oh, Dean.” He can feel Cas’s body move a little bit closer to his own and he debates moving away.

“I can’t—. Just leave it alone, Cas. Leave me alone,” he wheezes.

“I would—. Are you sure, Dean? I do not wish to make you feel uncomfortable, but I’d rather be here for you. Dean?”

Shit. He’s really not breathing right. It’s—. Whoa. Turning toward Cas, he realizes Cas has taken a step backward. Great.

“Dean, why don’t you sit down for a minute.”

He really wants to argue but… Well, it seems like a good idea anyway. Dean sinks to the ground in front of his kitchen cabinets next to the refrigerator and Cas squats in front of him. He attempts to take deeper breaths. Fuck, is he shaking? _Fuck._ It’s—

“Dean. I’m here. Listen to the sound of my voice. We’re in your kitchen. I’m your best friend, Castiel. You’re Dean Winchester and you are my best friend. It’s Thursday, about four o’clock in the afternoon. We’ve been best friends since we were sixteen. We’re going on a road trip this summer. We’re going to see your little brother Sam and we’re going to the ocean, Dean. You’re all right. I’m here with you.”

Slowly, slowly Dean’s head stops spinning enough to lift it up from its position on his knees. He stretches out his legs and glances at Cas.

“Thanks, man. It’s, uh, it’s been a while since… Yeah.”

Cas only nods and moves his hands as if to place them on Dean’s knees. His wide eyes hold a silent question. _Is this all right?_ Dean lets out a deep exhale and shrugs his shoulders. The warmth of Cas’s palms seep through the worn denim as large hands circle gently over his joints.

Neither of them seems to know what to say for a long moment. The air in the room is less tense than before but still full of pain.

“Dean—”

“Cas—”

They both chuckle at their awkwardness. Cas cracks that half smile that Dean… To be honest, that he adores.

When they were in high school, it was easy to pass off as simply infatuation. Dean has always admired beautiful people, and he was certain his crush on the new kid would wear off. After he and Cas became friends, he decided it must just be an appreciation. It wasn't until later—when Cas was only available via texts and Skype and occasional visits—that Dean would be able to admit that he’d fallen head over heels for Castiel Shurley.

Too bad Cas is so far out of his league it’s laughable.

So he’d always kept in under wraps. The plan hinged upon _no one_ discovering his secret, and it has worked for several years.

But sitting on his kitchen floor looking into those sky blue eyes, Dean has a hard time remembering the things he’s not supposed to say.

“Cas, I really fucked up,” he says, instead of _please tell me I didn’t fuck us up, too._

“It’s not broken, Dean,” Cas reassures him.

Dean huffs a humorless laugh. “I don’t know, man,” he says instead of _I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life._

“But I know you. I know you can try again, if you want to. I know you can forget about it and move on to other goals. I know you are still worthy, still important, still beloved.” Cas punctuates each sentence with another circular rub of his hand on Dean’s knee.

_I can do anything if you’ll stand by me. If you’ll stay with me._

“I will never leave you.”

…Shit, did he say that last one out loud?

Cas continues. “You are so special, Dean Winchester. You are deserving of every good thing in this life and more. I only wish that I—.” Cas actually _blushes_ and cuts himself off. He moves from his (no doubt uncomfortable) crouched position to sit beside Dean, back against the cabinets.

This silence is full of… something new.

“Cas?” Dean asks quietly. His heart actually flutters when Cas heaves a deep sigh.

“I—I only meant to say that… That I wish to be the person who—who could comfort you. In this and in all things. I want to be the person you trust and lean on for support.”

“You are that person, Cas. You’re—”

“But I—”

“You are _everything,_ Cas. More than you know.”

Dean is pretty sure his heart is beating faster now that it was when he was having a panic attack. He keeps his gaze forward but he feels Cas’s eyes on his profile. He swallows.

“You’ve been my best friend for a long time. You were a brother to me during the most difficult part of my life. But if I’m being honest, I don’t think either of those labels really apply to you. I don’t—I don’t want them to. I want—.” He closes his eyes and misses the hopeful joy radiating from Cas.

“I don’t want to be your brother either, Dean. Or your best friend.” Cas pauses. _“Only_ your best friend,” he emphasizes pointedly.

With eyes still closed, Dean cracks a tiny smile. “That’s how I feel too, Cas. Really. But I—.” How do you explain to a guy who’s just waxed poetic about how amazing you are that you actually are the least qualified person to be his… not _just_ best friend?

In the moment of Dean’s hesitation, Cas intertwines their fingers where they rest on the ground between them.

“If you are about to say something self-deprecating, I’ll ask you to stop right there.”

“Am I ever going to be able to convince you that you’re wasting your time? That I’m not worth the effort?” Dean says quickly. He knows how Cas is likely to respond, but these are the thoughts that will plague him, regardless.

Cas leans over and plants a kiss on Dean’s cheek. “Never.”

Cas’s love is not a cure-all. Dean’s not magically going to get better, suddenly graduate with honors, never have another panic attack. There’s going to be hard work ahead.

But maybe—just maybe—with the right support, he can start to see some better days.

**Author's Note:**

> [on tumblr](http://profound-boning.tumblr.com/post/151814279159/)


End file.
